bob
bob is the father of a good friend of mine that i grew up with here in asheville. his three kids were always hilarious, which we all knew came from him. they were the goofballs, and bob was often in on the joke. he was one of those legendary dads all the kids knew and remembered. sometime after college i realized that all three of his kids also had this deep wise sense about them, something under the humor that always resonated in bob too.
the mix of all this really comes through in his interview, along with a strong passion for family.
typing it all out and remaining true to bob's great storytelling was tough, so i encourage you to listen to the audio for the full experience.
more photos to come, with a more intimate view on bob.
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what is your story and your relation to asheville?
we moved here in 1998 from connecticut to be closer to my wife's father. he was a widower and his health was failing. he was in athens, georgia at the time. we then got him a place at deerfield just a mile and a half away from us he was used to being on his own. he had been in the newspaper business for a long time and he worked for ford...and there was this small coincidence that made it feel like it was meant to be. when he got to deerfield he wanted nothing to do with the place. we encouraged him to walk around, to take a look at the place and a guy comes out of this apartment and low and behold it turns out it was a guy he had known for fifteen years up in detroit, michigan. everything changed, they would play cards with each other all the time. all of a sudden he went from being this ornery type of person that only would do what he wanted to do and then deerfield became this incredible spot for him.
he met a woman there, and they ended up so to speak being in love. he was dating with her for seven years. we still have her over about every other week to have dinner with us. she is 95 and when she comes to the house she is dressed like she is in her 30s, she's got makeup, beautiful clothes, high heels...and she starts telling these stories about what it was like in 1927, or 1935...being the very first, what they referred to as wax, women allowed into the military. she is an absolute hoot. i'm 68 and get tired all the time, i can't get over the fact that she is 95. you tell her there is a concert downtown, she doesn't even ask who it is she''ll say, "ok yeah, lets go!" she signs up to show people around deerfield, not because she wants people to come to deerfield, but because they give her a free dinner.
so you raised your kids here, and we talked a little before we started recording about how it has changed for you because they left.
yeah, when you first think about moving, you wonder about leaving all these friends from connecticut or philadelphia, but when you are with young kids you meet people just so easy. they're going to school together, they're playing on sports together, they're dancing together, they're neighbors. it really is quite simple - at least we found. people that we met in the neighborhoods or in town here are really just great great people. when the kids leave it changes a little. you kinda fall back to your ways of just the two of you doing your thing. you stay in the neighborhood, you do some things. the local sporting events used to be a big to-do to go to, and it's not as thrilling because your kids are gone. that does change the concept of the city.
but you have all these friendships, and you get reminded of it. a friend of ours had a surprise 60th birthday for him at wicked weed and it was really a hoot to see all these people that we were pretty close with, because they had kids our ages and they did things together. it was a bit of a throwback to see everybody there without the kids, and all celebrating. we don't get a chance to see them as often as we would like to.
now i've heard some stories of when you first met your wife gretchen, can you just talk a little about that?
well, what happened was i had gone down to a graduation in greensboro, north carolina. i had previously been seeing a woman who was in the dance program. her family had asked me to come down to graduation, which i did. at this graduation party i met gretchen. for me, it was instant. i even said to her, "i think we are going to get married." and she was like, "ok right, this guy..." so anyway i go to the party the next day and we are joking around about something and she is there. she says to me, "oh i'm leaving here in the next couple of days and i am going up to new york city. my brother's there." and i said, "that's funny i work in new york city." she said, "oh my god, i had no idea!" so now i had to figure out how to get a job in new york city to make sure that this lie didn't go any further. she worked at this restaurant, this subterranean bar, and i would show up there with a jacket and tie on, like it was lunch time or happy hour and i was out and about. she would say, "well tell me more about the work.." of course i'd say, "well i don't want to worry you about the work, come on let's talk about you..." type of thing. so that was our start more or less.
we were young, we were living in the village. we had all sorts of friends living around. for me, it was the first time living in a big city. at first, it was overwhelming...the traffic, so many people. but once you got comfortable, the idea of walking down your stairs and turning any direction and there was going to be things going on. it wasn't like in arden where you knew exactly where you wanted to go. it was a great experience.
how would you describe your family?
i grew up in philadelphia as one of four boys. we lived in an irish catholic community where people had 9, 10, 11 kids (here bob tells some great stories from his childhood)... we had family doctors that came to the house, and they would come drunk. that was the mindset of that kind of community. they got back from world war ii, they wanted to have kids, they wanted to have fun. it was no big deal. baby boomers.
as an upbringing it was really fun because there wasn't the fear factor you see nowadays. back then, it wouldn't matter. they wouldn't fear that something bad would happen, they just thought that was the most natural thing in the world. i feel badly that we have kindof lost that. it's not just asheville it's every area you go to. you read so many horror stories and as a result you start to become infected with this thought that something could happen to my child, i'm just going to let them stay in the back yard, or it's going to be a planned play day so for two hours you can go THERE. the only thing we heard was, "dinner is at six and if you're not here by six, there's going to be an issue." so you just knew that you could kindof do whatever you wanted to.
what was one of your favorite experiences?
i would say, which almost every father would say, that your life changes when you get married. but it's a natural progression. you met somebody, you're madly in love, you want to spend as much time as possible. but no matter what anybody tries to tell you that having kids - you all say, "i can't wait, i'm looking forward to it." but when it does happen, it really does change your life in so many ways. of course, 99% positive. but just the fact that you don't have any control any longer. this baby now takes over. and then the second baby comes. and then the third baby comes. it is...it is a humbling experience. you know that you are responsible, but you also know that you don't have as much control about any number of things that you would like to have control of.
...just the day to day. getting sick, or all of a sudden they are walking whereas before you could leave them on the floor and come back and they're still there. now you come back and they're gone. the car is running and they are driving somewhere. i'm sure it's a typical type of response, but it was just that whole process of becoming comfortable. and all of a sudden you get comfortable with the first one but then you have another one and you're back to this mix and match...you are always juggling things.
it's an amazing time because you are always questioning - could you be doing a better job? could you be spending more time? it's tough. you're juggling so many roles, and yet you have your regular job too that's asking you to spend more time. it's really a hard thing, you know what's being implied - we want you to work a little bit more and give us more results, there's advancement. and that, at the back of your mind, sounds great because you've got these costs that are just exponentially going up and up and up. but at the same time, do i want to work 70 hours a week when i could be spending 25 more hours with the kids? it was a dichotomy that was tough. and at the time gretchen wasn't really working, she was taking care of the kids so you are looking at a one income family and that's something you can't toy with. you have to have that income coming in, but it's this catch 22. how far do you want to go? do you want to be THE worker and get the praise and maybe get the promotions and get more money but is the downside that you spend less and less time with the kids? what makes more sense? it's a juggling act.
how does it feel now that they are gone? it's a whole different phase.
it is! and yet...i equate it sometimes to a faucet. i wouldn't mind if the faucet was left on with a little drip. life's a little bit different, but the drip is there. but it's like the faucet gets turned off. the kids go to college and they tell you they wanna move. and you're like, "wow, that's great. i'm happy for you," but you know you realize it's a change to what you've been doing. you were involved every day with them being in the house, going out with their friends and doing all this stuff but they are there and it's part of your day. then all of a sudden you know, one is gone the other one is at college. and then you know dev graduated (their youngest) and went to new york city, which was great i was really happy for her, but gretch and i were looking at each other and saying, "what do we do?" we are so used to doing things for these people we really don't really know what to do in a way. it's strange. you just start trying to fill it by going to visit....but they've got their own lives, you know? i look back with my parents and when we were living in new york city, it was like an hour and a half drive, but i don't remember ever coming up. that group had a whole other mindset of things.
what is a scent that triggers a strong memory for you?
if i'm upstairs and i go into dev's room for some reason. there might be a picture on a wall, something she has, an outfit that was hanging up. something like that just all of a sudden triggers a bunch of memories...any number of small things.
what is your favorite use of technology?
it sounds silly but we are terrible with technology, my wife and i, i mean handicapped past anything you've ever seen in your life. it's really funny because when we first asked the kids they were incredibly polite. "oh, dad it's not that difficult let me help you with it..." now if i even start to broach it they tell me to shut up, i don't want to hear about your problems, you are an idiot, kind of thing. they are saying it in their way, but what they are trying to say is no, i'm done with your questions. figure it out!
what i do like are the directional ones. waze i think it's called? i mean i am always the guy that for all my life stopped at a grocery store, asked for directions. i'm very comfortable doing that. but now, it's got this sixth sense. i don't have to talk to anybody, it brings you right where you want to go. it's a phenomenal technology.
i've always been able to see the advances, and am excited about them, but just have never been able to really grasp how they run. the whole idea with the cloud cracks me up. whoever came up with the word cloud is just a genius, i just love it.
what is your drink of choice?
you know i started to drink wine and so white wine has been my drink of choice. i have kendall jackson that i got once as a gift, and for whatever reason...it might have been that i really liked the idea of the gift or maybe it was psychologically in my mind when i had the wine...i thought it was great! when i tell some other people that are wine people, they don't go too crazy over a kendall jackson, you know? but for whatever reason with me, everytime i drink it i love it.
when you're working do you prefer quiet or noise?
i like noise, for the most part. i think that is what reminds me of the house, just constant noise. when con (his first born) went off to college i thought, oh this is going to be really difficult because con brought a lot of the noise. but at the same time, there was no difference...the madhouse was still the madhouse. but when they all left, it really was that thing that you hear about. not that you could hear a pin drop, but it just wasn't that hustle and bustle. cars pulling up, phones ringing, people stopping, people going. at first you welcome it, you're like wow, this is great! it's quiet. but then when they would come back for a weekend it was like we were so excited about it, they were going to be in the house again!
these guys all had just absolutely tremedous friends...but that's what you miss. the different style of all the friends.
if you could spend 24 hours in the life of someone else, who would it be?
i think, because of a conversation i had with emily unks, who is an er resident. i kept asking because i couldn't get over the idea that you do not know what is coming through that door next. i asked her, what was the toughest thing for you to learn? she said, "empathy. i can't get involved with what it physically looked like. you were in a motorcycle accident and your leg is practically coming off. i can't get involved with that, i have to get involved with the idea of what can i do right now to start helping?" the idea of stepping into somebody else's shoes and finding out what that experience would be like.
what is the best part of your day?
that has changed over the years. the best part now is i will break off from whatever that i'm doing and say at 3 o'clock i am going to start practicing piano or i am going to start to listen to spanish. i've been playing with this piano - i'm terrible - but i've been infatuated with it. i hear speaking languages and i read stories of people that pick up languages so quickly and i'm just so jealous of it.
what is one memorable birthday?
does it have to be mine? once we had a surprise party for gretchen. i had told her we were going to this wedding of a friend of ours. when she came home she was really into the concept of getting ready to go to this wedding....so anyway she goes out there and when she looks over the railing there's about forty people down there wishing her a happy birthday. and her comment, which we always laugh about was, "i hate you all."
it was just a riot, gretch was mortifed of having the surprise party, and it was just this hoot. we had gotten these calls from people (from it being too loud) and i said look, "if you're bummed about the party just come over, come join us."
what is your best vomit story? i feel like everyone has a good one.
mine was one that can happen, you don't know if it will happen to you or not. but, if somebody else is getting sick, i get sick. we were talking to this guy up in new york city, it was on a roof. we knew he was drunk but we didn't think he was drunk enough to just in front of everybody get sick. but he did, and he no sooner did it than i started to throw up. then it was a chain reaction, all sorts of people were turning and getting sick. and we were on the rooftop, so we were getting sick over the thing down to the street, it was just so bad...so fast and so strange. it was funny. but at the same time gross.
what trait do you dislike in yourself?
i would say that i have a hard time getting too worked up about anything. i think sometimes life is too short, but if it's something really serious that's one thing, but the typical news cycle with trump or other presidents or things going on, i just have a hard time getting moved one way or the other. i kind of find that it doesn't matter very much to me. it just seems like it's an everyday thing. i don't put much faith in any of it.
who is your living hero?
i had an uncle, my mother's brother bill. he owned a family run moving and storage. he just was a guy who seemed to go out of his way to be nice. i worked for him in the summers when i was away at college. bill was always the one i couldn't wait to see. he had a great disposition, but at the same time was strict. but he was just somebody that always seemed to, not just joke with you, but ask you -- how is school? do you like it? are you making friends? what's troubling you? i always found him to be the type of person you could really look up to, there was a way about him, to make you feel like you are the center of the conversation not just somebody who is there.
what is asheville to you?
asheville has been my second home. if you ask the kids, even though they grew up in connecticut they would say their home is asheville. i would say my home is philly, but asheville now has become, so to speak, our second home. we've been here almost 20 years. the kids had such a great experience with all the friends they made, the schools. it's one of those things where you say i can't believe it was 20 years ago that we moved here. but i think it's a symbol of how much you are enjoying it if time moves that fast.
what do you think the direction is?
i think asheville is on the precipice of getting it together from the perspective of - our audience shouldn't be just visitors / tourists. i find that some decisions are a throwback to previous governments - 'let's make sure we get all the tourists coming here, and then when there is enough vocal complaints about the roads we'll finally put money aside for the renos.'
i'm hoping that this younger generation can convince the powers that be to look inward, to the locals. don't abuse them. give tours to tourists, but don't go out of your way to shit on locals. i think it can be juggled in a much better way if they'll just drop how things were done 25 years ago in cities. i think they've done an unbelievable job of convincing, but once you've shown off a city and how beautiful it is then you need to get the attention of the real estate developers. they can't be running the prison, they can't be dictating.
i have no problem with growth and expansion. it's just a natural thing, it's evolution. if you have something really great, which is the mountains...it's bound to blow up. it's an impossible secret to keep. at the same time, share it - but share it with the locals. try to make sure you have a perspective that isn't sacrificing the locals for the sake of just getting more tourists. you can't turn that faucet off. it's a cool little town. let it be a cool little town.
if there was a new two dollar bill whose face should be on it?
i'd like to see ruth ginsburg be on the two dollar bill. the more i read about her, she seems to be one of these people that has transcended. she's like a rock star to me. she's so hip and she's got to be 90, right? here she is still on the supreme court. if you then trace it back and say to yourself that she graduated first in her class, i think it was harvard law school. now she's on the supreme court. the progress we have made over all of these years i think is something that is very satisfying to look back on and say that as a generation we've really grown and now we're starting to think the right way.
it's not what job could a girl do that a guy can do - i don't even know why we have the discussion when they were the ones who built the planes and all the stuff in wwii when the guys were in the war. what would ever give you the impression that they couldn't do the work? they just didn't want to do the work because they had children. but push come to shove they would certainly be able to do that work or any other type of work. they just needed the opportunity to.
what is one thing that always makes you cringe?
it's more of a physical thing, but seeing fighting break out. just the idea of somebody getting really hurt. the viewpoint of the whole thing - there was no other way you could settle it, it had to break out that way - and invariably there is one person in that who either shouldn't have been in it or isn't very good. it just gives me a horrible feeling.
what is one mundane activity that you love?
i am not a great cook, so i've always taken the attitude that whatever is served, i'll do the cleaning. and as mundane as it seems, i really get into it. i like cleaning the dishes, running the dishwasher. cleaning up so that when you look back at it after the meal there's not still a mess. and i don't know why.
when you're pushed to your limit how do you cope?
i find just going for a walk helps. it takes me out of what's going on, and it just kinda gets me into another thought process. you're out walking, it's nighttime, daytime whatever it might be but it's not where it got you upset. you're away from it. it helps me displace just it a little bit. put it in focus. i can come back to it and still be bummed about it, but at the moment it's just a matter of getting away.
is there something that is undeniably you?
i think sometimes birth place. i was the second of four, and i think there is something to be said about the fact that when you come into the world, rather than the first born who is establishing a complete identity for a family - how are you as a student, how are you as a person, how do you first make friends...you know when i came into the world i had all these people that knew my brother, and me as a result of it, and gave me all these benefits. i think the second that comes in has a different outlook on life. you came into it, and not that you don't have hardships but you are just welcomed whereas the other one is a pioneer. i think part of the thing with me is i've always enjoyed people. as a result when i see old friends or neighbors, you know, i'm excited about it. i hope they are too, but it was something that is just natural because that's the way it was when i grew up.
what is one small thing that is abnormally special to you?
i would think kindness. i don't like self absorbed people. people that are always thinking about things for themselves. i started out my work career in the united way movement, and it was just such a wonderful experience seeing everybody on your staff devoted to trying to do something better in anyway that they could. when i see people who i meet for the first time and they do some small little act where they ask you about yourself it pleases me. i know they are a genuine person and i want to get to know them a little bit better. and you see it in our kids friends, you see it in neighbors, but you can see it right away. how they are.
how do you feel that you are contributing?
i feel like right now i am in a stage where i am not contributing. the kids are gone, i'm doing odd work, which is fine, but i'm tempted to try to get closer to retirement and get back to doing something that would be a lot more fulfilling. not necessarily united way, but maybe a homeless shelter or a food bank. something where it wouldn't have to be a full time job, but something i could get my mind around and really enjoy into...i'm hoping wherever that turns out to be that i can work it out.
what do you need around you? what brings you happiness?
i think just people in general. no matter where i've been there is just something about eye contact with a stranger or a person that you just have a sense that there is something there. you ask someone for directions and they are just so kind about it that you just find it to be a world that is really worthwhile.
and yet you see a lot of ugliness. and hopefully it doesn't get us so depressed that we go into a shell. it has to be something you just have to be able to say, there is a percentage of this population that is not my type of person. but that doesn't mean...maybe that percentage is only 20%. that still means that 80% of the world are people that are fun to be around or you would want to spend more time with. so, spend less time with the people that you don't care for.
it has to be a deliberate thing...why am i wasting my time not being happy and almost agreeing with them so i don't start an argument when the whole thing is horrible and i'm wasting an hour and a half of my day?
what are you proud of?
i'm proud of the fact that i was raised by a really great family. in a great neighborhood. it was just a remarkable town to grow up in. lots of family, at times i remember thinking to myself - you can't do anything in this stupid town without your family hearing about it? there was just so many relatives and neighbors and friends. but when you move away from those places, you start to realize what it is that you are missing, that comfort level of being around family and friends.
when i go back now i have a much deeper appreciation of it and what it did for me. now i come back to it and i realize it's just a bunch of really nice friends that had the same goals in life - i want to get married, i want to have a family, i want to raise my family, i want to enjoy life - and i think that's evident in almost every town i have ever been to. there is a core like that who are just really good people trying to do the right thing, trying to get by, and at the same time enjoy life. it's not easy, we've got money problems, we've got this issue, that issue, any number of things - but fortunately i seemingly have good health, my wife is in good health the kids are healthy. and yet we know people that are sickly or not doing so well. it's something we should be thankful for.
what is one lesson you learned from love?
once you know that it's not about you. that where you draw satisfaction is to see your kids smile or to be appreciative. you start to say to yourself, that whole thing that you heard - i grew up in the catholic school system so nuns drilled into us about the idea of doing something for others rather than yourself - half the time we laughed about it, you know we had to make fun of these nuns, but you start to believe that it's actually true. you start to experience it, you start to realize that by doing this type of thing for somebody else gives you more satisfaction than it would have if you had done something else that you thought would have given you satisfaction.
what do you daydream about?
i daydream now about the idea of where it's all going. i've started to sense my own mortality. let's say you're healthy for another 20 years, that will go by as fast as the 20 years that just went. there's a desire now to think about...i guess you could call it a bucket list. where would we like to travel? or family vacations. we went to ireland and scotland a couple of years ago for gretchen's birthday. we had so much fun as a family. you look forward to now saying - the girlfriends, the wives, the husbands - you hope that everyone is on the same page because you start thinking about things you would like to try to do. you know, will there be grandchildren? that type of thing.
what are you scared of?
i think the idea that nobody gets out of this place alive. you can't trick yourself by saying, oh 40% make it alive. no. everybody dies. it's a fact of life. when you're in your 30s you don't even think about it. when you're in your 40s you probably don't think about it. when you're 50 maybe for some people that number hits them. 60 didn't even bother me. but now, i'm approaching 70 and now i see too many of my friends getting sick or not being able to be healthy. you see that there's a shelf life. there's nothing to get morbid about, it's just in the back of your mind the clock is ticking, and what do you want to do? how can you stay happy and stay focused and at the same time try to be as healthy as possible. but you are going to get to a point where it's going to be different.
what advice would you give to someone in their 20s?
just don't beat yourself up on old philosophies...so what you didn't like the job you were in at 26? so what? figure it out. don't get hung up especially with friends - ok, that's great for you but that doesn't mean that's what i want. we are afraid sometimes to say it. i think without jumping down somebody's throat, like hey. i'm fine. i'm going to figure this thing out. if it takes us til 35, til 40 who cares? the idea is more than likely your generation is going to live til 85 or 90. so also if by 35 you're thinking, oh i don't know what i'm doing, you gotta figure something out because you are going to have another 60 years.
the good thing about that, for somebody like me that's always not fulfilling these things in the back of my mind...i still think, i have 20 years. i can still get there. it's not all doom and gloom. too much of society is predicated on work and money, and i just think that puts too much of a burden on young people because they feel like they are frustrating their parents or their family or their friends, when all your family and friends really want is to see you with a great smile on your face and being happy. if that means no money, so be it. if it means you're working and its part time but it's not exactly what you want to do, then that's what it is. you are in a holding pattern trying to really figure it out. do i envy people that know what they want? to be a doctor from day one? to me that's fantastic. i don't think there's a lot of people in the world that have that type of definitive hard core dream. i think a lot of us are so interested in so many different types of things, that we start to think to ourselves - that might be something i might try to do. to me that is admirable. if six years down the road you realized it was a bit of a wild ass dream, well that's great. now you can close that door. what came out of it is you have eliminated one thing and are moving to the next one. i think that's great.
what do you want to accomplish?
i would like to go back into the non profit world, and really have something that is a tangible difference...something that is fun and fulfuilling. the idea that at this point in my career, the kids have been raised...now, and it sounds a little selfish, i'd like to do something that i would like to try to do. hopefully that will come to fruition.